the journey back to the top: episode 2

EPISODE 2: GETTING MY LIFE ORGANIZED… STARTING WITH MY BED ROOM

I woke up past eight in the morning last this Sunday. For the first time in months, I woke up that time in a Sunday. Usually, I get out of bed around 6 or 7 am during Sundays because there’s something very important that I attend to and I have to travel for about an hour or two to reach the place.

Anyway, this Sunday was different. Different in a way that yung mga nakasanayan kong gawin every Sundays ay hindi ko nagawa ngayon. Instead, I had the chance to get out of my Sunday routine to do something good din kahit for now lang.

Before working things out, I watched a funny movie. Obviously, procrastination hits me again that time. Oh great! However, I was able to manage it…. After four hours. The movie stars Josh Hartnett in the lead role. The title of the movie was “40 days and 40 nights.” It’s about a guy who decided to make a vow not to engage in sex, masturbation, kissing, biting… in short, he’s doing abstinence for 40 days and 40 nights. Despite of that, most of his pals doubt that he’s gonna make that vow and instead of supporting him to accomplish that vow, dinedemonyo pa nila siya. I find the story funny and sophisticated. Aside from that, I could also relate sa situation nung bida- sometimes when you’re doing what is right, it is inevitable to be misunderstood by people. Another thing I’ve learnt from that movie is sometimes you have to do things by yourself and by being yourself. Actually, the movie inspired me. I was inspired by the protagonist’s courage, persistence to achieve his goal. After viewing it, I thought of trying to do that vow also… pero mukhang mahirap. Teka pag-isipan ko muna kung kakayanin. Mahirap kasi yung gagawa ka ng vow and then you’re just going to break it. But the idea is nice: self control. I really want to enhance my self control. Mahalaga kasi ang self control in every aspect of life lalo na sa paglilingkod sa Dios. That’s why God commanded, “Be selfcontrolled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (I Peter 5:8). And I believe, like what Bro. Eli taught us, ang Dios ay di magbibigay ng utos na hindi natin kayang masunod.

After the movie, I watched World Wrestling Entertainment’s Saturday Night’s Main Event naman. after naman ng wrestling, Resident Evil 2 naman.

Then I turned off the t.v. realizing na 2 o’clock in the afternoon nap ala…. And I haven’t accomplished anything. Damn! So, I decided to clean up de-clutter my messy bedroom. It would be a good start in organizing my life. Actually, I already did some cleaning that Saturday night at nilubos ko na lang ang paglilinis nung lingo to make my room totally mess-free. I fixed my closet and my clothes, wiped surfaces, put unnecessary papers in the garbage can, swept the floor and that shallow, dusty place – underneath my bed. Daming dumi! Tapos yung mga hinahanap kong mga gamit tulad ng pen, t-shirts, socks ay nasa ilalim lang pala ng kama ko. At may mga barya pa. hehe. Anyway, thanks to kuya Enteng for some help in cleaning up that messy, now tidy room.

It really feels good when you have accomplished something.
But aside from my bedroom, there’s another “kwarto” that needs to be fixed- my heart. It feels like I’m on a brink of a cliff. I’m in a situation where I should decide whether to hold on or let go. As I see myself, kaya ako nahihirapan to live up my best now it’s because I do not totally let go of the past. I hold myself back for doing that. Like what I had mentioned before, I always look back on the past- past friends, accomplishments, happenings that made me happy then at hinahanap-hanap ko hanggang ngayon. However, hindi naman masama ang mag-cherish or to make some flashbacks on past experiences once in a while but to contain yourself in the past is a different story. Not letting go of it could mess up one’s life- and that’s what happened to me. I’m messed up. Noong second year college, I asked help from a guidance counselor about this problem and somehow nakatulong naman…. but I actually haven’t let the past go entirely.

Some of the things that really disappoint me in the present are my pasts: my best friend and my first love. They’re included in the list of those persons that I cherish and care in my life. Dati ang saya, sigla ng samahan despite the distance but now things changed. Nagbago na ang lahat and I find it hard to cope up with the change. Sad to say, now it seems that the friendship between my best friend and me is cold. Dati, kahit malayo kami sa isa’t-isa we maintain communication; we still share each other’s ups and downs. Ngayon, wala man lang siyang reply sa mga “kumusta” ko. Kahit yung first love ko na patuloy ko pa ring kinababaliwan hanggang ngayon ganon din sa akin. Ewan ko kung hindi na sila intersado sa akin or what. Pero lagi ko na lang sinasabi sa sarili ko, “baka busy sila.” Pero nag-aalala kasi ako eh….. baka tuluyan nang maglaho ang ningas ng pagkakaibigan. It won’t take so much of their time naman siguro, though they’re busy, just to reply “ok lang” sa “kumusta” ko. I don’t demand long chat with them naman. Just to know that they’re still around, alive and kicking, that would be fine to me.

Siguro I have to accept na ganito na talaga. That everyone’s changed.

Last Friday, I told my mom that the girl doesn’t text me. Mom said, “kung ayaw nya sa iyo,wag mo nang ipilit ang sarili mo.” Aw. But she’s right. If she’s not interested on me, then I have to accept that. I can’t force her. Maybe, I should just give up this 5 year old feeling on that lady and move-on. Anyway, sinabi rin nung girl that I try to open my heart sa iba. Ako naman kasi itong nagpupumilit eh.

Nako! How many times did I say that I’ll let go of her before? Not one ten times I think. But I hope that this time it’s gonna ba for real and for good.

Got to move on!

episode 1

The journey back to the top: a life make-over
Episode 1: after one week..

Before I discuss about “the journey,” allow me to share something….

Last night, nag chat kami sa yahoo messenger ng isang former classmate ko way back elementary days sa Angelicum (ys-3 to be exact) na si Natasha Cruz. Noong ys3 she was that silent girl na hindi masyado umiimik sa klase but now, oh boy, she’s a hottie! Yah baby! Much to my surprise when I saw her sa webcam. Oh boy! She’s really gorgeous kahit wala siyang make-up. I like her more pag walang make-up. Honestly, I admire her looks. You know what, I told her that she looks like the lead vocalist of “Pussycat Dolls” yet Natasha also told me that not a few guys say that she reminds them of Kristin Kreuk, the hot actress who plays Lana Lang in my favorite tv series “Smallville.” Hahah. Well, I think they’re right about that. Nevertheless, whoever celebrity she looks like, one thing is certain: Natasha’s one hot lady; no wonder why she’s habulin. Even my friend Cholo before was head-over-heels in love with Natasha.

But for clarification, I’m not falling for her though I admire her. No you won’t fall Quincy! Oh behave! Heheh. Aside from her looks, things that I admire about her are the following: she’s fun to talk with, she seems witty and mature- the kind of person who I like the most to be with. masaya kausap ang ganoong tao. I hope na sana magtagal ang aming friendship. Friendship ha. Di ko tataluhin yun.

Now, let’s talk about “the journey.” A week had passed after I wrote the first article but it seems that there’s no obvious change in my life. Parang alang improvements. However, I figured out what really bothers me, the sickness that I am going through- it’s anxiety, which also comes with poor self-esteem.

It is usual for us humans to experience anxiety during our stressful times. Anxiety deals with the state of being anxious- troubled and uneasy in mind. Still, it is up to us how to handle it- either we fight back or freak out. In my case, based on my own analysis, I freak out when anxiety hits me, I rather run away from stressors than facing them. Another reason for my anxiety is my disorganized lifestyle, which I have mentioned before. Duh! In addition, my low self-esteem feeds this anxiety. actually, oftentimes I see myself as a failure. a**hole and worthless. I even say a lot of negative words to myself, things I really don’t say to other people. I’m rude sa sarili ko yata. Kailangan mabago na ito.

Working on this worse conditoion, I’ve researched tips to cope up with anxiety in the internet. I found some sa lifescript.com and sa about.com. I studied those articles and really learnt a lot of helpful things from them….. and I’m gonna put them into action. Though, it was revealed unto me that this battle to get up from being down-in-the-dumps ain’t gonna be a walk in the park especially in my situation where I have nobody assisting me. Sigh. It would take time and hard work to get through this, and I’m going to do work by myself. But if ever there’s anyone who would like to extend his or her hands to me, I’d gladly reach for it for I really need help badly.

Before I was that “superman” who saves, helps people in trouble, but now I’m the one in need of help. Pero sabi naman ng kanta, “even heroes have the right to bleed” eh.

The first step that I’m gonna take, which is I think is the best first move to make, is to recharge and boost my self-esteem. These are the things to do to make that work: first I’m going to be optimistic. Tapos I’m gonna use my positive traits to its fullest to get my goals and to beat down the blues; Then, I’ll get myself into new things, new experiences where my skills could be enhanced as well as my personality.

Aside from those self-esteem boosting plans, to cope up with anxiety, I am alsom considering having a partner. Alam mo na, yung someone who’s gonna accompany me in this journey, cheer me up when I’m down, keep me going. Yung taong mapagdadaingan at mababahaginan ko ng aking feelings and thoughts. Someone will care for me and, syempre, ako rin sa kanya. Someone who I can call my…. girlfriend. But, but, but,…. I have high standards pagdating sa pagpili; kung baga sa school, Ateneo. Whoa! Pero kasi, for me, there are lots of things that should be considered upon entering that kind of relationship. Lalo na ako, I’m serious when it comes to that matter; ayoko ng lokohan. Pero, it’s so hard kasi to be a loner. Di lang kasi alam ng marami. Especially during hard times tapos there’s no shoulder you can lean on nor words to cheer you up, nako kahirap! But, still, I’m going to think about this matter carefully muna….. kailangang mapag-isipang mabuti.

Well, I’ll just have to put these plans into action and then see if there’s going to be a change or improvement sa situation ko. Sana nga magkaroon.