the journey back to the top: episode 2

EPISODE 2: GETTING MY LIFE ORGANIZED… STARTING WITH MY BED ROOM

I woke up past eight in the morning last this Sunday. For the first time in months, I woke up that time in a Sunday. Usually, I get out of bed around 6 or 7 am during Sundays because there’s something very important that I attend to and I have to travel for about an hour or two to reach the place.

Anyway, this Sunday was different. Different in a way that yung mga nakasanayan kong gawin every Sundays ay hindi ko nagawa ngayon. Instead, I had the chance to get out of my Sunday routine to do something good din kahit for now lang.

Before working things out, I watched a funny movie. Obviously, procrastination hits me again that time. Oh great! However, I was able to manage it…. After four hours. The movie stars Josh Hartnett in the lead role. The title of the movie was “40 days and 40 nights.” It’s about a guy who decided to make a vow not to engage in sex, masturbation, kissing, biting… in short, he’s doing abstinence for 40 days and 40 nights. Despite of that, most of his pals doubt that he’s gonna make that vow and instead of supporting him to accomplish that vow, dinedemonyo pa nila siya. I find the story funny and sophisticated. Aside from that, I could also relate sa situation nung bida- sometimes when you’re doing what is right, it is inevitable to be misunderstood by people. Another thing I’ve learnt from that movie is sometimes you have to do things by yourself and by being yourself. Actually, the movie inspired me. I was inspired by the protagonist’s courage, persistence to achieve his goal. After viewing it, I thought of trying to do that vow also… pero mukhang mahirap. Teka pag-isipan ko muna kung kakayanin. Mahirap kasi yung gagawa ka ng vow and then you’re just going to break it. But the idea is nice: self control. I really want to enhance my self control. Mahalaga kasi ang self control in every aspect of life lalo na sa paglilingkod sa Dios. That’s why God commanded, “Be selfcontrolled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (I Peter 5:8). And I believe, like what Bro. Eli taught us, ang Dios ay di magbibigay ng utos na hindi natin kayang masunod.

After the movie, I watched World Wrestling Entertainment’s Saturday Night’s Main Event naman. after naman ng wrestling, Resident Evil 2 naman.

Then I turned off the t.v. realizing na 2 o’clock in the afternoon nap ala…. And I haven’t accomplished anything. Damn! So, I decided to clean up de-clutter my messy bedroom. It would be a good start in organizing my life. Actually, I already did some cleaning that Saturday night at nilubos ko na lang ang paglilinis nung lingo to make my room totally mess-free. I fixed my closet and my clothes, wiped surfaces, put unnecessary papers in the garbage can, swept the floor and that shallow, dusty place – underneath my bed. Daming dumi! Tapos yung mga hinahanap kong mga gamit tulad ng pen, t-shirts, socks ay nasa ilalim lang pala ng kama ko. At may mga barya pa. hehe. Anyway, thanks to kuya Enteng for some help in cleaning up that messy, now tidy room.

It really feels good when you have accomplished something.
But aside from my bedroom, there’s another “kwarto” that needs to be fixed- my heart. It feels like I’m on a brink of a cliff. I’m in a situation where I should decide whether to hold on or let go. As I see myself, kaya ako nahihirapan to live up my best now it’s because I do not totally let go of the past. I hold myself back for doing that. Like what I had mentioned before, I always look back on the past- past friends, accomplishments, happenings that made me happy then at hinahanap-hanap ko hanggang ngayon. However, hindi naman masama ang mag-cherish or to make some flashbacks on past experiences once in a while but to contain yourself in the past is a different story. Not letting go of it could mess up one’s life- and that’s what happened to me. I’m messed up. Noong second year college, I asked help from a guidance counselor about this problem and somehow nakatulong naman…. but I actually haven’t let the past go entirely.

Some of the things that really disappoint me in the present are my pasts: my best friend and my first love. They’re included in the list of those persons that I cherish and care in my life. Dati ang saya, sigla ng samahan despite the distance but now things changed. Nagbago na ang lahat and I find it hard to cope up with the change. Sad to say, now it seems that the friendship between my best friend and me is cold. Dati, kahit malayo kami sa isa’t-isa we maintain communication; we still share each other’s ups and downs. Ngayon, wala man lang siyang reply sa mga “kumusta” ko. Kahit yung first love ko na patuloy ko pa ring kinababaliwan hanggang ngayon ganon din sa akin. Ewan ko kung hindi na sila intersado sa akin or what. Pero lagi ko na lang sinasabi sa sarili ko, “baka busy sila.” Pero nag-aalala kasi ako eh….. baka tuluyan nang maglaho ang ningas ng pagkakaibigan. It won’t take so much of their time naman siguro, though they’re busy, just to reply “ok lang” sa “kumusta” ko. I don’t demand long chat with them naman. Just to know that they’re still around, alive and kicking, that would be fine to me.

Siguro I have to accept na ganito na talaga. That everyone’s changed.

Last Friday, I told my mom that the girl doesn’t text me. Mom said, “kung ayaw nya sa iyo,wag mo nang ipilit ang sarili mo.” Aw. But she’s right. If she’s not interested on me, then I have to accept that. I can’t force her. Maybe, I should just give up this 5 year old feeling on that lady and move-on. Anyway, sinabi rin nung girl that I try to open my heart sa iba. Ako naman kasi itong nagpupumilit eh.

Nako! How many times did I say that I’ll let go of her before? Not one ten times I think. But I hope that this time it’s gonna ba for real and for good.

Got to move on!